Poetry M - Z > Westermann, Angie
Poetry by Angie Westermann
Autumn
Ritual
by Angie Westerman
A chill is in the air.
I have felt it now for
a week.
The way the wind blows,
The way the wind smells.
It is you all around me
Silently you left 2 years
ago
I smell you in the Breath
Buster dog bones
I smell you in my Outrageous
shampoo
Melting Moments cookies,
bubbling
Such strange reminders.
Dx Ball your daddy played
for hours.
I listened
Sleeping on the couch
Thinking …
Did this really happen?
All of this has become
my ritual
As if I am calling out
to your spirit
Come to your mama
Nurture her little spirit
baby
Come to me
Firetrucks remind me
You would have loved them.
Perhaps you do now
In the spirit world
"wook daddy, truck"
Pumpkins, witches, scary
things
That go bump in the night
My little Halloween Baby
Smelling the fall scents
All is you
To my little spirit
baby who continually nurtures
his mama.
Our love transcends everything,
even death.
Sending you sweet kisses.
Visit me in my dreams sweet
one.
~Mama
Forever
changed
You tell me to move on
by Angie Westermann
You tell me not to cry
You tell me I have got to get a grip
Get out you say
Enjoy the sunshine
Feel life again
They look at me funny
Like I have grown two heads
Like I am so very different
I make them uncomfortable
Andrew you make them uncomfortable
Tell me why?
Why is it so difficult?
To see my broken heart
To see my wounded soul
A part of me was amputated
It is gone
Tiptoe around you
Let’s make this easy for you
You’re uncomfortable for 10 minutes
I live this everyday, every moment
Tell me my friend
What is it you want from me?
You want me to smile?
When I smile do you think I
Forget?
When I laugh do you think I
Forget?
You don’t know what to say?
I don’t know what to say?
Just please, please be patient with me
Take my hand
Hold my hand
Don’t say a word
Just let me know
You are here
We shall sit
Maybe we will talk
Just listen
Don’t judge
Let me talk about my baby
Let me say it a million times
Over and over
Just listen
Let me cry if I need the tears
Don’t say you understand
Because you don’t
Just quietly be my friend
Editor's Note
Angela is a bereaved parent who sent me email one day and then was kind
enough to share the above poem with me. I felt the need to give it space and
voice here because the message of this poem is one that every family member,
friend, and co-worker to a bereaved parent should heed. You don't have
to fix anything for us. You just have to be there and allow the bereaved
parent to *fully* feel whatever they feel. Don't correct them or rush
them. Don't pathologize whatever they feel or do. Just be there. Be human, not instructive, please! And if
you can't do that, then please just step out of the way of the parent until you have time to grow up yourself! But don't blame the parent for what you cannot handle!
The
Question
by Angie Westermann
Tonight the question was asked.
"How did you live through that?"
"I don't know, " I replied, "I just did."
Somehow I lived through the day my baby died.
That moment is forever embedded in my mind.
"Is he still alive?" I asked. "His heart is still beating,"
was the reply. I gently cradled my baby son against my beating heart,
as the very life I so wanted to give him drained from his. I play this
image over and over in my mind. I know it by heart. One single breath,
one single beating of the heart separated us. I looked at his father,
the tears burning his face, streaming like a river. Neither one of us
knew how to comfort one another. But somehow we did. He crawled up in
the bed, mother, father, and son lying together. A family. That moment
time stood still. All was as it was supposed to be. We wrapped our arms
around our little son and slept. Waking up only to find out it was true.
They moved us to a private room.
Family and friends surrounded us.
A thick silence filled the air.
A baby gone
lies in the bassinet beside me.
I look over and think "Why?"
All I can say is, "It's not supposed to be this way!" Confusion,
betrayal, sadness and complete chaos take over my world. My baby, my baby
PLEASE I beg. The nurses come in and tell me that they have to take him
away. "What do you mean, take him away?" I asked. "He has
to be kept cold," they say. I had to send my son away to the cold
harsh morgue. So when they bring my baby back to me he is no longer warm
he is as cold as ice. But you see it has to be this way. He is dead.
The next 24 hours are a complete blur.
"Do you want an autopsy?"
"Is there anyone we can call?"
"Would you like a cremation or a burial?"
Phone is ringing, questions from family far away.
"What happened?"
"Are you ok?"
All I can do is let the tears fall. And they continue to fall. I dress
my baby for his service. Caressing all his fingers and toes. Memorizing
him. My mind not letting me realize this is the last time I will touch
him. Then the time comes when I hand him to his father, who places him
in the bassinet. He kisses his son on his head and lets him go. They wheel
him away. His time with us is done.
Now over a year has passed.
How did I get through it?
I didn't.
I live it everyday.
I just do.
Author's Note
Written for Andrew by his mum, Angela.
<<BACK
