This year's conference was held on May 23-25 at at the Scottsdale
Paradise Valley Resort in Scottsdale, AZ. This time I attended the conference
as a bereaved parent and as a professional presenter hosting a workshop
for others. And instead of attending with my husband like I normally would,
I met my mom (a bereaved nanna) at the conference.
It's very difficult to have such an amazing and overwhelming
experience that lasts for three full days, and then come back and try
to explain in mere words what that was like for me. But I learned so much
and my heart was touched by so many bereaved parents, professional care
givers, and the spirits of so many dead children, that I cannot let it
go and drop the ball on sharing this experience with you.
The most stunning presentation I saw there was one given
by Dr. Guillermo Gutierrez. This session was titled "The Caring Physician:
Reconnecting Your Power." Now if you've read my works before, you
know I have no great love of health care providers. Dr. Gutierrez has
a good reputation, and many parents have told me they had wonderful experiences
in his care. But when I saw the title of his session, I imagined a bunch
of professionals reconnecting to their power over us poor, bereaved parents
(said with much sarcasm). I wasn't going to this session.
Then I ran into Joanne (Founder of MISS) just before Dr.
Gutierrez stared his session. She insisted that I attend. She told me
I "had to" and that I wouldn't be sorry if I would just go and
hear him. Jo is one of my mentors. I love her to the bottom of my heart,
and I generally don't question her because she has been an amazing guide
for me. I went to Dr. Gutierrez's session.
W-O-W-!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Gutierrez's son Nico was killed in an accident on Thanksgiving
2001. His entire presentation was about honoring the connections that
bereaved parents continue to have with their children after their children
have died! What?! I was in shock as he presented his session, offering
us proof of his continued connections to Nico. He said that obviously
he'd rather have his son back, but now that Nico has died, he knows he
has a mission to make other professionals aware of these connections between
bereaved parents and their dead children. His mission is to make *professionals*
aware of how to honor the parents in their care!!! WOW!
He presented a myriad of events that have happened since
Nico's death. At first he thought he could understand them as "coincidences,"
but then he had typed up a program for the memorial service. This program
was comprised of excerpts from Nico's diaries. Dr. Gutierrez was going
to translate the program into French and Spanish as well, but he wasn't
sure it was right. So he asked Nico to send a white dove to him if the
program was okay as it. This is Arizona in January 2002. So a while after
he put that request out into the Universe, his other son, daughter-in-law,
and grandchild came over to his house. He told them about his request
of Nico. They went about fixing their car in his garage.
So there he is in January, standing in his garage, holding
his grandbaby, his son and daughter with their heads in the car fixing
it, and he looks out to the street in front of his house. Yep. A white
dove in the middle of the street. Just sitting there looking at him. He
taps his kids on their shoulders, and they look. Someone runs for the
camera. They take 8 photos of it, several of which include the bird and
his daughter-in-law and grandbaby.
He had at least 30 other stories like this. I was encouraged
to try this theory out myself. It used to work for me, but I hadn't paid
much attention in ages. I put out a request and told my son Dakota that
I needed to see his name in writing, in all capital letters like I had
once seen it written in the snow, and *not* in reference to the conference
nor to the states of North or South Dakota. Several days later a friend
sent me a link to a Rumi website. I surfed there, then surfed their links
to other Rumi websites. Then I came across and interesting one and decided
to see who ran that site. In the owner's bio, there was a listing for
a short film he is working on called "DAKOTA" -- all caps.
Every care giver on the planet should meet and hear Dr.
Gutierrez.
There were
many other sessions at
the MISS Conference, too.
A clinical psychologist
ran a very interesting
session about "gender
differences in grief" and
again if you have read
any of my stuff before,
I am not a fan of segregation
in the bereavement world.
So I attended with somewhat
of an attitude. But this
pschy proved to be very
insightful and open-minded.
She was saying that we
have to start looking at
how people grieve
differently and help them
from wherever they are.
But then she offered slides
that has lists titled "men" and "women." So
of course, I can't keep
my mouth shut about this.
I raised my hand and asked if I could play devil's advocate.
She said that was fine. I asked how we can ever start looking at how people
grieve differently when she was still offering lists based on the segregation
of gender. I asked how these lists would apply to same sex couples enduring
the death of a child. She said that with same sex couples, you have to
delve into the relationship first and see what roles the partners have
carved out for themselves in that relationship. Then, she said, you work
from wherever the partners are individually in relation to each other
and in reference to their grief. I countered that this might just be the
model that we should all be using to work with bereaved people in heterosexual
couples or single parenting situations. She said that just might be right,
and she was very conscious during the rest of her presentation to talk
about differences between people rather than "men" vs
"women."
It was wonderful
to have an exchange like
this with a professional
who is open to the flaws
of the current support
system and who is willing
to look at new ideas for
correcting those flaws
and consequently offering
better assistance to those
in need.
I'll share one other amazing experience. Dr. John DeFrain,
author of "Stillborn: The Invisible Death" and "How Strong
Families Endure the Death of Their Child," was a FAB speaker and
most sensitive professional! He came to the front of the room, showed
us a bunch of pages he had typed up to read as his presentation, then
tossed the papers over his shoulder. He said he wanted to learn from the
bereaved parents in the audience instead. He presented 10 questions and
proceeded to facilitate an inclusive, moving, overwhelming, room-wide
discussion. He shared his experiences along the way, and he was open-hearted
and open-minded about everything the bereaved parents in the room had
to offer. I believe this kind of presentation had the *most* impact on
the professionals in attendance that session. They were forced out of
their "15-minute" physician consults, or the EMT "emergency"
situations, or the focus on paperwork that case workers normally have.
They sat for for an hour and a half and *Listened* to bereaved
parents about the long term effects of grief after the death of a child.
It became real, and even safe for them to remove some of that thick skin.
Imagine if all care givers would take the time to hear the
story and acknowledge their own experiences of grief. Imagine if they
were encouraged to feel and connect rather than distance and disconnect.
If their own grief processes were acknowledged and addressed, just imagine
how they might offer that same care to their patients. It certainly would
be a different world.
That day, that session, Dr. John DeFrain made a significant
contribution toward offering better support for care givers and parents.
I cannot thank him enough.
Joanne Caccitore (Founder of MISS) held an amazing all-day
session on "The Power of Compassion: A Phenomenological Approach
to Child Death" on that Thursday. This is my second time attending
this CE course. She's amazing and right-on in her presentations. She shared
part of an upcoming PBS show called "Losing Layla" a documentary
by Vanessa Gorman. If you don't get what the big deal is about stillbirth
-- even if you do get it -- you need to see this film! This
should be mandatory viewing for care givers, family, friends, potential
parents all over the freaking world.
I did bite the bullet and purchase the manual that maps
this CE course. I've put the buzz in Jo's ear that I really want to turn
this into an online certification course for her. My feeling is that there
are parents and professionals who cannot get to AZ, but who would take
the online class. And Jo would be a dynamic online facilitator given the
tech tools needed to make that happen. Hopefully, I'll be writing soon
to let you all know how you can get this training, too.
There was much more. I enjoyed teaching my Creative Healing
class tremendously. The parents and poets in that session shared soooo
much. In particular, my mom wrote a piece for my dead son Dakota. My mom
and I had a wonderful connection there. We did enjoy the pool and sunshine,
too. But it was most moving to share this grief conference with her. To
that end, I want to honor her love and care and sensitivity and her own
grief over the death of her grandson by publishing her poem here. Thanks
Nanna-Memoo for being with me at this year's MISS Conference!
I sit among rocks
visions of Kota in
hummers sipping from flowers
in the garden
heat, sand, wind
surrounding a cactus
resembles a grandson
sitting & watching
I dream of could have been
sharing awareness of the
desert around us
Keeping an eye out for
scorpions, snakes that
Nanna fears
-poem by Dakota's Nanna-Memoo
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