by Nancy & Peter Grayson

I wonder what his handwriting would be like, right or left handed?

Now is when I had expected to home school, our son Joel. Learning together during the day, filling Dad in on the real  important stuff each night at dinner. We would visit fish hatcheries, plant sunflower seeds, and hear the delight in his voice the first time his little feet would run in the ocean surf ! Laughing together when his face would be curled up at sour lemonade, giggling at slurping a milk shake, and do you think he would like brussel spouts?  

What I miss the most is his blue eyes sparkling when he felt our love for him. And his tiny warm fingers holding mine. How can I pick a favorite memory or is it a wonderment? Why would I stop dreaming these scenes of what life should be like? Would the pain be any less?  How can I not think of him and how life would be if Joel had not died at six weeks old.

I wonder about many things surrounding my thoughts of our child.

His name is Joel - not his name  was Joel. His name will forever be Joel - just like me being his mom - that's forever too. These facts help me with missing our son - I repeat them in my head and often express the facts out loud to those that consider I no longer have a mother/child relationship since my son is dead.  Nothing could be further from the reality of my life. I do have a relationship and no, it's not what I had imagined or planned on. However, not even death could take my son from me - nothing can. I am Joel's mom.

I wonder how anyone can tuck away a person they love because that person died?

It's what my side of the family insist I do.  Stop grieving now, please. Instead, I tucked them away and kept Joel. That's really for the 'best'.

I wonder how to live a good life without our child.

Some days it is do-able, some days not at all. 

Wonderment is a beautiful gift, as imagination and love is.

I will wonder and imagine until the day I hold Joel again.


Post note:

Happy 5th Birthday Joel - love from Mom & Dad

In memory of Joel Albert Grayson, August 27 - October 8, 1999

and miscarried babies, Drew and Jess.

Nancy & Peter Grayson are MISS volunteer facilitators in Boise, Idaho

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