Memories of Love Journal
from Katie Smith

For Charles Christopher, Stillborn 11/6/1999

Dearest Son,

On November 10, 1999, I was finally able to embrace you in my church's quaint and private chapel. The past few days leading up to your baptism and funeral service, I spent planning to say good-bye until we meet again in Heaven.

Your Grandma & I went to Babies R Us Superstore to purchase an adorable pastel green gown set for you to wear with farm animal print that included little lambs and cows on it. You looked so cute in this gown!

I also visited the florist to order a couple of flower arrangements that came with roses, carnations and lilies. The flowers were soft blue, pink, yellow & white in color. I was worried the florist was going to deliver the flowers to the wrong place, so I decided to take them to the church on my own. I wanted everything to be perfect for you, my precious son! These flowers were my gift to you.

I met with Pastor Ann and the funeral director to plan your services. I didn't want to see you in a casket, so Ann offered to provide an antique wooden baby doll cradle for you to have. The director helped me choose a soft pink cedar urn that was designed more like a jewelry box lined with a soft felt like material in mauve color. I couldn't find anything in blue for you. I picked the pinkish mauve, because it's my (your mommy's) favorite. Pastor Ann also gave me a loving gift that now rests at your urn. It's a cute little teddy bear that wears the words, "My First Bear." And it really is your first bear that you ever got! The day before your services,

I visited a shop to look for a special poem to read to you at your baptism, and a card to give you that would hold a love note from me. I came across a book of inspirational type poetry and found a poem called, "When One Door Closes...A Window Opens." The title alone speaks in volumes. This special poem that now rests in your scrapbook gave me hope during a time when I wanted to curl up and die. I felt so alone during this time. I felt so scared & lost. I kept trying to sleep off the nightmare just to wake up to it the next day.

Your baptism and funeral was very private with just your Grandma and I there. We wanted that day to be our special time with you. As I walked into the chapel and saw your tiny body for the first time lying in the cradle, I became weak in the knees and nearly fainted. Reality hit me like a ton of bricks! I think that was when I first came to the realization that you were really gone. That autumn day was cool, crisp and very windy. Pastor Ann began your baptism with an old Irish blessing to you. I held you close in my arms as Pastor Ann dipped a seashell in holy water and poured it over your head. I took a small heart shaped cloth to wipe away the excess water on your head. I read that poem and a letter that I wrote to you. I told you that I loved you, and Pastor Ann continued your funeral. After the services, we left to the funeral home down the street to say our final good-byes to you. Your Grandma and I sat together in a private room and held you and talked to you for an hour or so. We took some more photos of you to forever cherish. We kissed you, hugged you, and embraced you with all our love that day! We didn't want these moments to end. We didn't want you to be gone.

Dear, Sweet, Precious Charles, you had an angelic face that could charm anyone, the cutest dimpled chin, flat feet like mine, and long, skinny fingers that could've played the piano gracefully someday. I also kept a lock of your soft and silky brown hair.

Charles, your beauty & charm go beyond your photos. Your spirit & soul gives so much love, peace and kindness to your Grandma and Momma! You are our precious angel! We will miss you until we meet again! Thank you for the memories; however brief they may have been in those moments we held you!

All My Love,

x o x o . . .

Loss  | Vashon | Services | Art | Poetry | Store | Contact

© 1999 KotaPress All rights reserved.  ISSN 1534-1410
Please direct comments regarding this web site to