Journey Q & A,
The Q & A
Q: Mother's Day and Father's Day can be such sad times for grieving parents. How many Mother's Days or Father's Days have you been without your child?
Kara : Wow. I hadn't thought about it. This will be the sixth.
Katie: This will be my 5th Mother's Day as a bereaved parent to Charles. It does not seem like five years of loss will be here this November.
Andrea: 0, this
will be the first
Q: Do you honor your child on Mothers and/or Fathers day? If so, how?
This is a very
bittersweet day for me, I have
living children and 4 in heaven.
The normal mothers day rituals
by my living children are done
first which are bittersweet because
every year, I have high hopes
of what I want to do. But
most of the time, we end up renting
a ton of movies, getting lots
of junk food, and just hiding
away. This year, I have some
friends gathering at a local
temple, to spend a few hours
working on our prayer books. They
asked me again today if I would
come, offered to do an opening
and closing circle, light candles,
etc. It sounds nice. In
my head, I think, "oh that would
be nice, be in a sacred space,
with good people, doing art". But
in my heart, I know how
it goes. The night before,
I'll be awake till the wee hours,
unable to sleep, feeling
lousy, etc. I won't want
to get out of bed that day, etc. Plus
I think this year will be additionally
hard for Hawk because his mom
just passed away last Christmas. All
in all, I think Hallmark can
stuff their whole commercialized
Sunday for moms.
Andrea: I haven't really thought about it, however I would like to do something special in her memory. Here in town every year between mothers and fathers day they have a memorial for all the babies that have passed on, with music, speakers, poems, flowers for each baby, and a balloon release. I think this is going to be very healing for me. I just hope my hubby will come...
Q: If you lost your child due to miscarriage or stillbirth, do your family and friends recognize you as a grieving mother or father?
Christine: I have to say sadly no. My extended family doesn't even know I named my three littlest angels. I don't think people realize how hard mothers day and fathers day is for greiving parents. A parent should have all their children around them, and for this day especially, it is so hard to have children in heaven. its hard every day not to have your children with you..I think what I meant to say is that with all the ads, etc it really magnifies it on mothers and fathers day... tired and not thinking... sorry about that...
Kara: My mom remembers. My mimi remember. I have a few friends who get it -- this came in large part due to them having their own kids finally and then looking at their kids and then looking at me and being like, "Oh my gawd, this sucks! And now I get it." But others simply don't get it. They would never even think to recognize me. But I don't plan to be with any of them on mom's day anyway! So there. :)
Katie:My son, Charles, was stillborn. My Mom's first born died at the age of 16. She is recognized as a grieving mother even after ten years. I have never been recognized as a grieving mother by other family except my Mom. My friends know I am a grieving mom, but they do not recognize me on Mother's Day unless they have also had a loss.
Andrea: Most of my family does, and some of my friends, but not alot.
We'll have more Q & A next month...
the Kota Discussion Group