Grief
Journey Q & A,
Pt. VIII
In Honor and Loving
Memory of Our Children
Editor's Intro:
The creator of this Grief Journey Q & A was Stephanie Marrotek; the current coordinator is Poppy Hullings who posts questions once a day or week or month and invites all members of our online discussion & support group to post answers. Some answer only to the group, some members have elected to share their insights in a more public way through this column as well. Our hope is that you will find some spark of inspiration or comfort or help here. These words are not offered as prescription for the ways we "should" handle grief. These are just insights into how others are managing day by day after the death of a child.
The Q & A
Q: Mother's Day and Father's Day can be such sad times for grieving parents. How many Mother's Days or Father's Days have you been without your child?
Answers:
Christine: 3
Kara : Wow. I hadn't thought about it. This will be the sixth.
Katie: This will be my 5th Mother's Day as a bereaved parent to Charles. It does not seem like five years of loss will be here this November.
Andrea: 0, this
will be the first
Q: Do you honor your child on Mothers and/or Fathers day? If so, how?
Answers:
Christine: Yes.
This is a very
bittersweet day for me, I have
two
living children and 4 in heaven.
The normal mothers day rituals
done
by my living children are done
first which are bittersweet because
there are cards missing and it
hurts. Though my husband always
includes Nora and my little angels
in the gifts, and the kids always
make me a card and include Nora.
Usually late morning, afternoon
, I
go up to Nora's grave , take
flowers and a book and read to
her,
just spend some time by myself
remembering my little ones and
remembering the time I spent
with Nora.
Kara: Honestly,
every year, I have high hopes
of what I want to do. But
most of the time, we end up renting
a ton of movies, getting lots
of junk food, and just hiding
away. This year, I have some
friends gathering at a local
temple, to spend a few hours
working on our prayer books. They
asked me again today if I would
come, offered to do an opening
and closing circle, light candles,
etc. It sounds nice. In
my head, I think, "oh that would
be nice, be in a sacred space,
with good people, doing art". But
in my heart, I know how
it goes. The night before,
I'll be awake till the wee hours,
unable to sleep, feeling
lousy, etc. I won't want
to get out of bed that day, etc. Plus
I think this year will be additionally
hard for Hawk because his mom
just passed away last Christmas. All
in all, I think Hallmark can
stuff their whole commercialized
Sunday for moms.
Katie: Yes,
I do honor Charles on Mother's
Day. My Mom and I attend
the annual blessing of the roses
in the "Garden of Angels" Memorial
Rose Garden at St. Francis South
Hospital. The garden is
so beautiful and sacred. It
is enclosed within a white picket
fence and decorated with such
peace of angel sculptures and
loving stepping stones with quotes
on them. There's even a
water fountain that people throw
pennies of wishes in for their
children in Heaven. The
hospital has a garden crew that
maintains this area with such
love and care. I planted the
Peace rose bush there a couple
of years ago and it is still
thriving with life. There
is a beautiful service in this
rose garden on Mother's Day usually
with music, poem readings, some kind and
well thought out words from the RTS
coordinator as well as a nondenominational
prayer by a staff member from
the hospital chaiplancy. After
the ceremony that recognizes
both bereaved moms and dads,
a reception is held at the hospital's
hotel/inn, so parents can have
a time of gathering and sharing. Mom
and I usually don't make any
other pertinent plans other then
that. Sometimes, we'll
go see a movie or do some shopping. I
will honor my own Mom as well
by treating her to dinner.
Andrea: I haven't really thought about it, however I would like to do something special in her memory. Here in town every year between mothers and fathers day they have a memorial for all the babies that have passed on, with music, speakers, poems, flowers for each baby, and a balloon release. I think this is going to be very healing for me. I just hope my hubby will come...
Q: If you lost your child due to miscarriage or stillbirth, do your family and friends recognize you as a grieving mother or father?
Answers:
Christine: I have to say sadly no. My extended family doesn't even know I named my three littlest angels. I don't think people realize how hard mothers day and fathers day is for greiving parents. A parent should have all their children around them, and for this day especially, it is so hard to have children in heaven. its hard every day not to have your children with you..I think what I meant to say is that with all the ads, etc it really magnifies it on mothers and fathers day... tired and not thinking... sorry about that...
Kara: My mom remembers. My mimi remember. I have a few friends who get it -- this came in large part due to them having their own kids finally and then looking at their kids and then looking at me and being like, "Oh my gawd, this sucks! And now I get it." But others simply don't get it. They would never even think to recognize me. But I don't plan to be with any of them on mom's day anyway! So there. :)
Katie:My son, Charles, was stillborn. My Mom's first born died at the age of 16. She is recognized as a grieving mother even after ten years. I have never been recognized as a grieving mother by other family except my Mom. My friends know I am a grieving mom, but they do not recognize me on Mother's Day unless they have also had a loss.
Andrea: Most of my family does, and some of my friends, but not alot.
We'll have more Q & A next month...
About
the Kota Discussion Group
This is a discussion and
support group held online
thru the free services of
Yahoo Groups. Stephanie
Marrotek is the host of
the Grief Journey Q &
A. The full group is moderated
by the staff of KotaPress.
The answers given in this
Q & A were offered by
the generous hearts of the
members of our online group.
We cannot thank you enough
for your candor and honesty.
