Supporting
a Grieving Friend
To those of you grieving
the death of a child and/or
spouse, I have no idea
what you are going through.
The only thing a friend
can do is offer his/her
presence and listen......alot.
To you would be supporters,
I was totally ignorant
in grief support. Its okay
to be nervous, but all
you have to do is jump
in with both feet. In some
places in this story, what
I've written is direct
and not soft and fuzzy.
This is directed toward
the supporters and not
the bereaved. When my friend
tells me I'm doing something
wrong, I will change my
tone. Until that time,
the following is appropriate.
Here is what you do right from
the start: You read books (I've
read 10-15), you search the internet
(30+ websites), you learn, you
do not stop, you do not quit,
you do not neglect, you do not
question, you be proactive. For
the most part, don't ask your
friend to tell you what they
want, pretty much anything you
do will be okay. But DO NOT TOUCH
anything that might be even remotely
associated with the dead loved
one.
Mid January was 6 months since
my friend's family died. His
family included his wife and
both children (3 years old and
5 months old). While I was totally
ignorant and am definitely not
schooled, the following is what
I have done.
I am a 37 year old man with a
Geology degree. My friend is
37 with a History degree. We
have known each other since we
were 2-3 years old. My bereavement
support resume prior to this
was exactly zero and personal
loss was much older relatives.
I went to the visitation and
the funeral. After that, I was
ignorant like nearly everybody
else. A little bit scared and
not knowing what to do, I jumped
right in to supporting my friend.
I visited on the 4th week anniversary
day. I hugged him and said, "I
don't know. I just don't know
what to say." He said, "There
isn't anything to say." We sat
on the front porch and I listened
for 6 hours. For 3.5 months,
I visited my friend every week
on that day (calling the night
before). I listened, listened,
listened, and listened some more.
Four to six hours was normal
for 2-3 months. Listening to
20 minutes of silence can sometimes
be more important than listening
to words. You don't fill the
silence. You focus on your friend.
Many times after 10 minutes of
silence, my friend shared with
me a memory that I had no idea
what he had been thinking about.
Even now, if there is a time
he wants to talk about his family,
my mouth closes and my ears open.
Specific examples of my proactivity
include: Mid November the 2 months
of holidays kind of complicated
matters, but I offered my time
and ear whenever needed. A few
days before Thanksgiving, I called
about 20 local restaurants to
find which would be open and
when (told him I would). It took
me 10 minutes, but the gratitude
was enormous. In December, though
he was out one evening for a "should
go/shouldn't go" Christmas party,
I parked/waited beside the house
for 3-4 hours so he wouldn't
come back to an empty house.
Little things can mean so much.
Tell your friend you will do
something and then do it.
My friend will never hear me
say things like, "When will this
be over?", "You've got to get
on with your life.", "You're
young, you can marry again/have
other children.", or other dreadfully
hurtful phrases. My only role
was, and will continue to be,
to give him my total friendship,
a listening ear, and my unconditional
support.
I have probably visited my friend
25-30 times since the beginning.
I have told my friend that I
am going to be by his side for
months and years. For those incredulous
of my "dedication", I have my
mom to look towards for beyond
3-5 years. She put flowers on
the grave of a friends 5 day
old son for more than 30 years
until he was taken back to the
family plot out of state. And
as a kid I remember going on
Christmas mornings.
Also, a little extra I've done
which I'm glad I did, but isn't
exactly required. I've written
26 pages (so far) of observations
since the funeral. I've written
what we had for dinner, what
he said, memories of his family
that he told me, and my attempts
to put his moods into words.
All of this is of course for
his eyes only. Rereading it recently,
I am seeing things getting "better",
but I know it's a long way. It
really is very rewarding to see
the changes over time. I continue
to observe, listen, try to understand,
and be a friend.
And lastly as a supporter, feel
free to cry too. Not in place
of your friend, but with your
friend and on your own time.
Crying is truly good to do and
experience even if the reason
is very bad. And men, don't be
self conscious about crying.
If you need to, just do it.
Helping a friend in grief. There
is no greater thing you can do
for your fellow man or woman.
