Compiled
by Kota Discussion Group
In Honor and Loving
Memory of Our Children
Welcome to Part VII of
our Grief Jouney Q &
A. The content here is
generated from an online
discussion and support
group for bereaved parents.
The creator of this
Grief Journey Q & A
is Stephanie Marrotek
who posts questions
once a day or week or
month and invites all
members of the discussion
group to post answers.
In addition to answering
on the group, some members
have elected to share
their insights in a more
public way through this
column. Our hope is that
you will find some spark
of inspiration or comfort
or help here. These words
are not offered as prescription
for the ways we "should"
handle grief. These are
just insights into how
others are managing
day by day after the
death of a child.
Answers:
There have been
loads of people along
that way have said or done
something that at that
moment touched me. I think
on of the most important
ones has been my mother
in law. Every christmas she has
a
small ornament wrapped in the
brightest paper, labeled
to Andrew from Santa. I
know because of my conversations
with her she trys to very
hard to support me. In the beginning
she was afraid to mention
Andrew's name, afraid of upsetting
me, she now is one of the very
few
who even mentions him. And I
adore her for this. -Angie
My Mom told me, "You will
always be a Mom to Charles. Even
in death, the love you
have for each other never
dies." "I care
for you and I'm always
here for you whenever you
want to talk." -Katie
a long lost friend came
back into my life after
10 years. she missed
the period of my life where
i fell in love, got married,
got preggers, cremated
my firstborn who was stillborn,
have lived dealing with
grief since. anyway,
she wrote because she found
one of my writings online
when she was at work one
day. she said she
sat and read it and cried. she
reminded me that her birthday
is the same as my son's. we
marvelled at the "coincidence" and
talked a little about how
souls travel together. somehow
bridging back to her filled
one of the fissures that
was left after my son died. it's
been the most recent tangible
comfort i've had. -Kara
I think the most helpful
words were a quote
that Stephanie posted
one day that said something
like...death is not real,
i am only a little ways
away, behind a door,
waiting for you, speak
of me like you would
if I were there, nothing
has changed. i
would love to say that
it was something a
family member or counselor
said to me but the
most helpful words
to me were written
by everyone on kotapress
as i struggled through
things and you all
told me i wasn't going
crazy and that it was
ok to feel the way
i did. -Mel
My cousin, Kyla, who was
10 at the time, wrote me
a beautiful poem, and it
basicly said, " I miss
you Amanda Joy, I love
you, I will never forget
you." And from a 10 year
old, who hadn't seen her
or anything, it meant so
much to me. She is and
has always been my closest
cousin, but that just cemented
my love for her! -Stephanie
Answers:
WOW this is a
biggie for me. As most
of you know shortly before
Andrew's first anniversary
my husband was diagnosed
with cancer. This compounded
my fears triple fold.
It just drove home I have
NO control over what
can and will happen. Things
blindside us. I do not
like crowds, I don't
like socializing. I have
become a home body. Most
of relationships online,
beside family members.
I am very active with BFO
(bereaved families of ontario)
even then I am on high
alert. -Angie
I don't fear death death;
however, I have a greater
fear of suddenly losing
other loved ones since
I lost Charles so suddenly
without warning. -Katie
Ha. Do you have
a few hours to read this? Look,
I was a city child. I
grew up riding busses and
subways and exploring the
city and taking cabs and
just being out there. But
since Dakota died,
I just don't want to do
any of it anymore. In
fact I sort of dread it. I
hate flying for fear of
dying when my husband is
still here. I don't
mind flying together coz
if it goes down, probably
my hubby and I will
die together. Social
situations are just so
meaningless now that I
dread them, too. *EXCEPT*
for the MISS Conference
where I feel totally in
context. I can laugh
there and no one thinks I'm "all
better now". But
regular situation, well,
I'm just out of context
and uncomfortable. Conversations
come up about kids -- and
there is the inevitable "how
many kids do you have" or "do
you want kids" or something. I
hate it. Honestly,
here's my dream that doesn't
involve fear: we
live on a couple acres
now. it is bursting
with Spring around
here. i'd like an
afternoon of just sitting
out there and watching. maybe
a little music. maybe
a little talking. but
just hanging out, no rush,
just sitting, laying down,
being there. i don't
understand what happened
and why i can't do that
now. back in the
college days, right, with
alter-states though, we
often just hung out on
the veranda, did sidewalk
chalk art, talked, listened
to music. when the
hell did all that change?
-Kara
My sense
of fear has changed drastically
since Lily died. I
still am afraid everyday
that Rob flies that his
plane will crash. I
am afraid he will have
an affair. I am afraid
my kids will get sick and
not live through it. i
am afraid i will lose more
children. I am afraid
of every good thing, that
it will turn bad. I
was not a generally optimistic
person before Lily died,
but instead of having
a sort of sarcastic attitude,
now I feel genuine fear
in my heart and my gut
and i try to cover it
up with sarcasm. -Mel
I used to be a very outgoing
person who was never afraid
to talk to
anyone, but after the loss of my
child I became afraid of crowds,
of
strangers, and was quiet and reserved
around friends and family.
Almost five years have gone by
and I'm only just now starting
to come
out of my shell, but I don't know
if I'll ever be my 'old self' again
in that regard. -Poppy
Yes, I used to go skipping
thru life, thinking that
nothing bad would happen
to ME. Then WHAM! Now,
I am scared that someone
will steal Charlie and
kill him, or that Chuck
will die at work, or that
my mom or dad will die
or people close to me will
be killed or die in an
accident. Whenever someone
is just a bit late for
something, the worst thoughts
rush into my head! And
until I see that person,
I am frozen in fear that
they are horribly mangled
somewhere in an accident.
-Stephanie
Answers:
In the beginning i was
really forceful trying
to
get people to understand this loss,
this pain. Now I surround myself
only with people who I
don't have to explain.
And even when I am
around people who have never experienced
this I don't say anything.
There are just some people who
don't deserve to know me, to know
my
truimphs, my heartbreaks. And if
they want to know, let them read
a
book. I had to. -Angie
Losing a child is the
most tragic of losses. Grief
never leaves and time
doesn't heal the wounds. I
learn to live and adapt
to life and bereavement without
Charles physically
here. I will always
miss Charles. I
will forever
love him. And I
will continually
keep his memory alive
within my heart and soul. -Katie
I don't know. I
guess the best you can
do is speak your truth. Sometimes
people hear it. Sometimes
they don't. I have
shared our experience with
many people who haven't
lost a child themselves,
and they get it. But
usually, they've lost someone
or understand being lonely
till your heart breaks. Then
there are others who are
like, "uh, okay, well,
that was five years ago,
so why would you even be
talking about this now?" It's
like they don't get how
the feelings travel with
us. They don't understand
that grief is like laughter
-- just like I could
laugh at a good joke five
years ago and still can
today -- so too can I ache
for my son, then and now. But
they don't get it. -Kara
You, know, I don't know. I
would tend to say they
weren't worth talking to
about it. I don't
think you can ever make
someone understand how
it feels. I don't
even think you can make
someone have more sensitivity
or sympathy. I have
tried to tell family and
friends over and over the
things that they say that
don't particularly help
and the things they say
that do. When it
comes right down to it,
it's hard to do the right
thing. It's hard
to talk about a dead child
(which helps), it's tough
to acknowledge someone
else's pain when it makes
you uncomfortable. It's
hard to put someone else's
feelings in front of your
own. -Mel
Even though I have never
lost a limb, I equate the
loss of a child to
that sometimes. Except it's
not a limb you lose, it's part
of your
heart and your soul. It never
grows back and the void is always
there. As time goes by, you
learn to function without it, but
you're
never the same again. -Poppy
I have had this opportunity,
at our local MOPS group.
(mothers of preschoolers)
On Oct 15th, I got up in
front of the group and
announced that it was pregnancy
and infant loss awareness
day, and I told them of
Amanda Joy and how hard
it was. And I asked them
to remember her with me,
for just that one day. Afterwards,
several gals came up to
me, and said that it was
great that I was brave
enough to do that. I am
hoping it opened a door,
that some of them who have
also suffered losses, may
come to me for support
and care. But for those
of them who were blessed,
I hope it makes them appreciate
their children more. -Stephanie
Answers:
No.... -Angie
I was totally unprepared. I
felt as if my vehicle crashed
into a brick wall head
on at 100 miles per hour with
me being blind folded
in the driver's seat. My
life forever changed
in that split, second when
I hit that wall. -Katie
Yes, I knew it. Well,
not consciously exactly. But
it had been 24 hours since
my son had moved inutero. I
got up in the wee hours
and made dark black tea
and decided I would make
him move. He didn't. At
that point, I sat on the
couch and cried. I
pictured the next day at
the doctor's office. I
knew I would refuse to
birth him and would demand
a c-section. I knew. But
I don't think it prepared
me at all. When the next
day came, I was fully shocked
that it was really happening. The
night before, the darkness,
the moon, had left me somewhat
disconnected from it all. Like
I was seeing it, but not
part of it yet. But
when the morning came and
we were in the doctor's
office and she said, "kara
your baby is dead", suddenly
I was whooshed into the
scene. Part of me
died there that day. -Kara
This is a very scary
question. Throughout
my preg. with Lily I was
not very "connected" if
that makes any sense. It
made me uncomfortable when
people talked about it
and when i picked out her
name I subconsciously picked
a dead woman's name (Harry
Potter's mom). I
mean, i'm sure it was a
little conscious but still. However,
I wasn't prepared for her
death. I never imagined
her death. When they
told me, I was shocked
and devastated. I
guess hindsight is 20/20. maybe
all those things were just
little coincidences but
maybe not. I have
never been a person who
was very strong with intuition.
-Mel
With Amanda Joy, I had
no clue. But with Baby
Bean, my miscarriage, I
did. From the moment I
found out I was pregnant,
I couldn't just relax
and be happy. I wasn't
puking sick and that worried
me. To me, a healthy pregnancy
is a very sick first trimester.
And I just felt that it
wouldn't be a good pregnancy until
I started throwing up.
Of course I never did,
and I lost the baby. And
afterwards, looking back,
I think I was preparing
myself for the loss, by
not becoming attached to
the baby. Somehow I just
KNEW that all was not well!
-Stephanie
Answers:
I was always the
more stable friend. When
that role changed i lost
my friends. -Angie
I've always been told
that I'm the strong one. I've
always been there for my
friends. However,
when I lost Charles I felt
abandoned by these same
friends that I had helped
in the past. Clueless
friends would tell me that
I was young and could have
other children. Some
would tell me it was meant
to be. Some just
stayed away and avoided
me like the plague. I
tried to explain my sorrow,
but they did not understand. They
abandoned me and I gave
up on them. I did
feel helpless, but I also
formed new friendships
with other bereaved parents
that did understand. I
didn't feel so helpless
when I found understanding
from the care and support
of others. -Katie
Ha, ha, very funny. Yeah. Why
the hell else would
I go straight from
c-section surgery
and the memorial service
to writing and publishing
books and zines and doing
outreach. I couldn't
stand being helpless. I
sought to learn as much
as possible about it all. We lost
our son in the Spring. We
had created the company
KotaPress by the Fall. I
think some people saw me
go right back to work and
creation and so they thought
we'd be "over it" and "have
closure" soon. But
in my heart I knew that
starting KotaPress and
doing this work, would
give me a lifetime of saying
my son's name outloud,
of evolving to learn to
life without him yet with
him, and that it would
make my parenthood as tangible
as is possible in this
physical world where normally "seeing
is believing" -- if that
all makes sense. -Kara
I have most of my life
been the strong one because
I am an oldest child. I
have 4 younger siblings
and my parents divorced
when I was 13. I
wouldn't say I was that
person with my friends
but I have never been very "open" about
problems or feelings. I
would much rather listen
than share. It is
still difficult to feel
the need to be helped and
it probably explains much
of why i still have a ton
of work to do. I
think leaning on people
and asking for help is
valuable but it is not
a skill that I do very
well. -Mel
Yes, I was always the
strong friend, always there
and ready to help
when someone needed me. I
had many 'speechless' reactions. The
best
they could do was give me a sympathetic
look and hold my hand or give
me a hug. I found that comforting
because there's really nothing
they could've said that would've
made me feel better anyway. Just
knowing they were there and that
they cared was enough. My
in-laws
reaction was different when we
saw them several days later, but
I was
still in the *numb* phase and wasn't
too terribly bothered by their
ignorant responses. It makes
me upset to think of it now though. -Poppy
Yes, I have
always been the stong,
level headed friend.
The calm one who re-assures
others that it is all
going to be ok! After
Amanda died, everyone
came to my "rescue" with food and
bible verses and comfort
and care and love. I felt
smothered. But I just sat
there and took it. I didn't
know what else to do. When
Baby Bean died, just a
couple of my friends even
knew I was pregnant, but
they came to the ER with
me and held my hand as
the Dr. told me I was losing
the baby and there was
no hope, they cried with
me and held me as I collapsed.
One friends hubby came
and took Charlie that am
and they kept him the whole
day. It was super hard
being the "helpless" friend.
I felt like such a fool,
crying and not knowing
what to do next, so encompassed
by my grief. I felt like
I was lost and stupid
for getting lost. But
now, looking back, I
am glad that my friends
were there for me!!!
-Stephanie
Answers:
We continued our
family traditions-- Advent,
decorating, church etc
as we always have but
this yr we had Madison
in our thoughts as we
moved thru all of these
things wishing she was
with us physically. -Heather
I'm four years into
my grief, and I just
make the best out of
each day especially the
holidays. I
allow myself to cry and
feel however I want to
feel whenever I feel like
shedding tears or whatever. Knowing
that Charles is with
me in spirit keeps me going
on a daily basis. -Katie
This was our second Christmas
without Raeyn, the first
was a blur as
she was born into Heaven on November
9th, 2002. It was very emotional
trying to include her in
any and every part of our
holiday
celebration. I hung stockings this
year, one for all of us and it
was
just so sad to me that I knew she
would not be with us to enjoy our
celebration. In addition, we tried
to include our sub. baby as he's
due soon, so he had a stocking
too. I had mixed feelings about
being
able to celebrate with him and
not my daughter. -Keny
It seemed that the way
that I felt was uncontrollable
during the holidays. Most
of the time I wanted to
do the normal things and be
happy and participate but
my body and my mind simply
wouldn't let me. Of
course I wanted robbie
and jake to enjoy christmas
and to remember their sister. the
things we did just us,
as a family, were warm
and comforting. it
was the extended family
stuff that was horrid.
-Mel
Answers:
My Mom and I hang
a stocking for Charles
every year and place little
love notes inside of it. I
also purchase an angel
ornament to add to the
collection of angels that
rest around his urn in
my room. I
consider my holidays to
start in October, because
that is Infant Loss Awareness
month. I participate
in the annual Walk to Remember
memorial program and balloon
release through a
local hospital. November
is extra special, because
it's Charles' birthday
anniversary. Thanksgiving
used to be quite depressing
for the first two years
of my loss; however, now
I use that day as a time
of reflection. I
find thanks in the small
things and big things in
life, like the amazing
support I've received from
wonderful friends that
are also bereaved parents. The
more I move forward with
my grief, the more
enjoyable Christmas and
other holidays have become once
again for me. I never
thought I'd enjoy Christmas
again. The past two
years have been very nice
in that regard. I
still have my good days
with my bad moments and vise
versa, but I'm a survivor
and I'm doing okay. -Katie
yes, we
decorated at her grave site--
she had a tree and a
wreath complete with
babies 1st Christmas
ornaments. We
got special ornaments for
the tree. She had gifts under
the tree and we included her name
on
our holiday cards. We
also donated toys for Toys
for Tots in her
memory. -Heather
Again, I hung a stocking
for her,we lit a candle
and bought her a
bouquet of flowers to represent
her at our dinner table. It's amazing
too...the flowers are still
alive today. -Keny
Yes, Rob and I both
purchased gifts for Lily
that were meaningful
for us. We
also bought a Baby's First
Christmas ornament for
her. Much of our
family also did something
special to remember her. -Mel
Answers:
I've learned to grow
with my grief and learn from
it. The
first week felt like life was
over for good. It was
dark, cold and very lonely. I
feel much more warmth now and
see much more light. I
never thought I'd see the day
where I would find more sun
than rain. Grief was
more like an enemy during that
first week, now grief is more
like a life long partner. -Katie
The first week, month, months
went by in sort of slowmotion,
I felt
everything but I felt nothing.
I was so consumed with such
raw and
varied emotions that I couldn't
control. I didn't know what
to do
with or how to deal with my
pain. It was draining. Now
I feel that my
pain hasn't left, but it's
mostly bearable...I'm able
to control my
emotions to some extent
and I'mabale to see now that
Raeyn's life
had/has a purpose, that she
lives through me and that I
will see my
angel baby again one day. -Keny
The first week
I was numb and just went thru the
motions of everything. I honestly
don't know how things got done. The
grief will always be there but
I have had a 9 month look at
things and with lots of help,
prayer
etc. I do find joy in my heart
that my daughter is in heaven. This
does not mean that I don't wish
she was here with me. I wish she
was
every day. My grief has been
tripled with the loss of my Dad
in
Sept and my Grandma in Oct. All
3 within 6 months has been so hard
to deal with. -Heather
My son passed away nearly
two years ago, and there are
times when
I still feel like nothing at
all has changed. I can say,
however, that from the first
week - maybe even the first
month or year - I
was entirely numb. I was aware
of my loss, of course, but
it really didn't feel like
it effected me. Now,
I feel. I feel the pain of
his loss, the emptiness of my home,
the insensitivity of others -
and it's really a rather miserable
existance. but I also
feel greatful for the moments
I had with him, joyful at the
thought of a
future time when we might be
together, and appreciative
of the things of his that I
have. -Josie
Grief has changed in that it
is much more overwhelming how
than it was then. At the
beginning I was doing everything
I could to run from the pain
and loss. I was also very
very very full of guilt and blame
toward myself and my body. I
hated myself and was very angry
at myself. These feelings
prevented me from really dealing
with loss -- People say to turn
and face the pain -- that it
is the only way through it but
I think that is a very very very
difficult thing to learn to do. I
am much better at finding ways
to escape. So I am trying
to learn to change grief from
being about me to being about
how I feel about living without
Lily. -Mel
Answers:
I'd like to make a difference
in my future children's lives
and in the lives of other people's
children that I help. -Katie
I'd like to cahnge laws and
opinions of people who are on
the outside
looking in. I'd like for the world
to acknowledge all of our children
whether 1 week gestation or 3 years
old. I'd like for parents to have
access to resources, be it emotional
or financial, without the
political b.s. -Keny
I would like to own and run
a women's shelter, training program
that would teach parenting, cooking,
crafts, job skills, health care,
to disadvantaged women as well
as community leaders. -Mel
Answers:
Yes, and sometimes
I feel like they get sick
of hearing it...LOL! I
am not shy to express my feelings
to anyone. -Katie
It depends on the person
but
there have been occasions where
I have let my guard down and
let it
flow out and I am sure there
will be many more.
-Heather
Absolutely not. I
don't even tell other greiving
parents how I
feel. I am ashamed at myself
for being the way I am and feeling
the
way I feel. -Josie
Yes, usually. Sometimes,
depending on the topic
I may shy away if I
feel unable to debate the topic.
-Keny
Nope. I'm a big
fat liar to most people
-- even my closest family
and friends. Why??? Because
I'm deficient in being
able to trust people with
my emotions. I expect
too much and am crushed
by disappointment so I'd
rather just keep it to
myself. This is not
helpful -- and I am trying
to change -- plus it's
a really bad example to
my boys.
We'll have more Q &
A next month...
This is a discussion and
support group held online
thru the free services of
Yahoo Groups. Stephanie
Marrotek is the host of
the Grief Journey Q &
A. The full group is moderated
by the staff of KotaPress.
The answers given in this
Q & A were offered by
the generous hearts of the
members of our online group.
We cannot thank you enough
for your candor and honesty.
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