Journey Q & A, Pt. VI
The Q & A
Question 1: How often do you visit her child's resting place?
Dakota's ashes are here at home with me in a small marble urn. I keep it near my bed on an old two tiered end table that belonged to my Nona. I keep his blanket, a few toys, and a vase full of the dried flower petals from his funeral on that table with the urn. ~Kara
I haven't been back to Lily's resting place since her funeral. I think about it alot but we are still in the process of having the stone made and installed and I am terrified that I won't be able to find her. Does that make any sense? I would really like to spend time there and take the boys but I really need, for my stupid human mind, for there to be a marker there. ~Melanie
Question 2: Does it bring you any comfort or just sadness to visit your child's resting place?
Depending on the day, my mood, recent events, phase of the moon, and which planet is rising (ha ha), it brings me comfort sometimes, and other times sadness. But more than anything, I could not bare the thought of having him apart from me. There simply was no other choice but to have his ashes at home with me where I could see them any time. ~Kara
For a long time it made me very, very sad to think about it because I actually thought of her body being there. Remember in Dear Chey when Joanne says that she tried to go dig her up when it started raining one night?? That's exactly my feeling about her grave. ~Melanie
Question 3: Do you have many family or friends that visit your child's resting place?
Everyone who comes to our house and into the bedroom sees it. Some people make no comment anymore. Some people acknowledge it. Depends on situation, I guess. When my mom visits, I'm sure she'd want to see it and add to it. But if it's just a friend whose used to seeing it and is just hanging out with me for the day or something, then they don't even realize it's there usually -- like it isn't weird or anything -- just part of my life and our room. ~Kara
I know that my mom has been there a couple of times and that my mom in law and my husband's grandmother and his sister have been there to visit. I hope that one day very soon it will be a place of peace for me to go and remember Lily and celebrate her life without having to worry about what people think or say (I mean what do people really expect of people hanging out at cemetaries in the Children's Garden -- sometimes I enjoy low expectations). ~Melanie
Question 4: If you lost your child due to miscarriage...Do you feel cheated you didn't get a burial or memorial service?
I didn't have a miscarriage, I had a stillbirth but in a way I do feel cheated because sometimes, I wish I had an outside place to visit her or take family to visit her. Also, we truly never had a "service" to be able to say goodbye. She was cremated and we picked up her ashes and brought them home. ~Keny
We'll have more Q & A in 2004...
the Kota Discussion Group