The
Firsts, The Holidays
Editor's Note (kara): In the past month, we've heard from many bereaved families. One person specifically wrote looking for support for a bereaved dad who had lost not only his child, but also his spouse. He was feeling uniquely alone. Though it makes me sad to say it, I knew exactly who to put this dad in touch with, because there is another dad in the same situation. This other dad is Dan Radel. Dan is also a talented poet who I had the amazing fortune to meet while visiting Antioch University. In my communications with Dan, he wrote me the following email. It is so poignant that I knew I had to share it with all of you. For anyone going through grief at this holiday time, I thought you might find some small bit of help or comfort in Dan's words:
Excerpted from Dan's letter:
Time, time is both an
enemy and a friend in the
"year of firsts."
What I mean by that is time
is now measured from the
point of loss, at first
it is one day since we held
our child or spouse, then
one week, one month, and
then one year. Within this
flow of time are the celebrations
that we took for granted.
Suddenly we are faced with
that first birthday, first
fathers day, all which are
a mix of memory and love
but most of all excruciating
pain, an emptiness that
just can't be described
to anyone who has not gone
through it. Your emotions
are all over the place and
guilt, that man-made crap
we place upon our souls
and which serves no purpose
other than cause pain. Guilt
because we see others with
children and we are angry
because they have something
we no longer have. Anger
because they take it for
granted. If they only knew.
The year of firsts is at
its worse over the holidays.
There is no escape. Halloween
through New Years, rain
and dark skies conspire
to drag us down into the
morose of hellish agony.
Christmas is the worse,
it's not one day, it's a
six-week assault. Everywhere
you turn you are confronted
by it and through it our
loss is brought front and
center in our awareness.
I was very fortunate to
have a therapist who had
lost her own child. She
taught me much. Running
away is a something I have
done and sometimes still
do but it only serves to
delay the inevitable. To
go forward we must confront
that which we are running
from. In my case I was taught
the skill of replacement.
I have taken every holiday,
every life event and replaced
it with a new celebration.
It has worked and I am the
better for it. For example
let me use Christmas. I
go to the mall and watch
the children and Santa,
hard at first but now joyous.
On Christmas day I still
can't bear to watch presents
being opened so I have brought
Christmas down to its base
component, the celebration
of the radical Jesus. I
attend a Christmas service
and then head out into the
wilds of the mountains.
I feel close to my daughter
there and I cast back to
Christmases we shared and
I visualize her opening
presents and I cry for her
loss and celebrate for her
life. This is my replacement
celebration. The others
I am comfortable with sharing
them with families and friends.
Each person is different
and each year I see where
I am at emotionally and
that determines how I want
to handle each event. Time
A.S. (After Shannon) has
been and continues to be
a journey of healing and
as I change, the way I do
things around all of these
events changes.
As for books, I found them
for the most part to be
a curse unless given by
someone who has been through
it. I must have given around
fifty books by well-meaning
people. Most of them gave
it a how-to spin on recovery
and I have found that to
look out that far was to
invite pain. Everyone's
path will be slightly different.
What works for one won't
work for another. There
is one book that was given
to me and it is the only
book I give in these situations
that I would recommend.
It is Healing After Loss
by Martha Whitmore Hickman.
The reason I found it so
effective is that it is
simply a book of daily meditations
and wisdom. When a person
is in the middle of grief
and depression it is difficult
to look too far in the future
because all one can see
is pain and blackness. This
is a day by day book and
she allows or more importantly
demands that you be angry,
despondent, all the dark
emotions.
The other thing I found
important and I know you
do also is taking our loss
and turning into a positive.
You have done so with Kota
Press. I have done so by
working with the National
Alliance for the Mentally
Ill. I share my story
of depression with others
in a program called In Our
Own Voice. This has helped
me so much. I just can't
believe that having gone
through the hell of depression
and drug abuse and survived
that it wasn't for a higher
purpose. So I share myself
as living proof that a person
can live through the dark
days and become a new creation.
I would gladly give it all
up if I could get my daughter
back but that is not to
be, so as you do, I share
both the pain and the joys
of my life. NAMI is a good
resource for you, the national
has a wonderful website
of resources. If I can help
in any other way please
let me know.
Your friend,
Dan Radel
.
