by
Mark Allen
There are people in our
community who stand out
because of something obvious
in there appearance, be
it physical or style of
attire. We might not have
met these people, but if
they are mentioned, most
people know who you are
talking about.
My friend Purple Mark comes
to mind. He is someone I
saw out and about for several
years before actually meeting
him. He dyes his hair to
match his wonderfully outlandish
clothes. Almost everyone
on Capitol Hill has seen
him at one time or another.
There is also the Rainbow
Lady and any other person
with an obvious physical
challenge whether they are
blind, deaf or have Cerebral
Palsy. These people are
in our consciousness because
there is something about
them that makes them more
noticeable. I am one of
these people. I do not stand
out because of a naturally
occurring physical challenge,
or because I have an outstanding
sense of color. No, I have
HIV and for reasons I will
explain, it has affected
my mobility.
In the HIV community I
am referred to as an LTS
or, Long Term Survivor.
I was first given this distinction
in 1990 when I attained
the ten year mark living
with HIV. Since 1988 I have
had HIV related neurological
issues. First off, I was
diagnosed with Chronic Inflammatory
Demyleanating Polyneuropathy
(CIDP), try saying that
five times fast! It is an
auto-immune disease which,
in simplest terms, the body
attacks itself. In this
case it was my nervous system.
CIDP progresses slowly and
over time I lost the ability
to do basic daily activities.
At first I was able to hide
the symptoms. I think I
was hoping that whatever
the problem was, it would
clear up. Eventually I became
to weak to work and had
to live with my family for
a while. When I progressed
even further and needed
more help, I ended up in
an assisted living home
for people with HIV. It
was a very stressful environment.
In the year and nine months
I lived there 15 people
died, some of the house
members had dementia, and
I had to deal with sub-standard
care.
My body became so weak
that I could not do many
basic tasks for myself because
my fingers and wrists no
longer moved and I could
barely raise my arm more
than a few inches. Walking
had become almost impossible
and I had so little control
of my body my friends "affectionately"
called me Flipper! It was
a pretty accurate moniker
since most of my body parts
at that point just kind
of flopped around.
Eventually, I found a doctor
who knew how to treat the
problem. When he said to
me "I know what is
wrong with you and we can
fix it," I broke down
in sobbing tears. It had
been over three years since
the first symptoms had appeared.
I had seen countless doctors
for the problem, all of
them saying there was nothing
to be done. One neurologist,
in January of 1990, even
went as far to tell me that
in a year I would be dead
or on a respirator. I am
thankful I did not buy into
his scenario! Over the next
three years, after treatment,
my strength slowly returned.
When I became strong enough
to be on my own again, I
moved back to Seattle.
At the tail end of recovering
from CIDP, I developed inflammation
in the base of my spine.
Apparently this is a very
common problem in LTS. Rather
quickly, problems developed
with all of my functions
from the waist down. My
bladder, sexual function
(praise to Allah for Viagra!),
and the ability to walk.
Next thing I knew, I was
in a wheel chair and told
that I would never walk
again! To say I fell into
a depression would be an
understatement. Frankly,
I was suicidal. Mind you,
I had always been seen as
the upbeat, deal with anything
kind of guy. Roger Rabbit
is my hero because even
when the chips where down,
he could still laugh and
most of the time, so could
I . I was even introduced
once at a speaking engagement
as "The guy with the
positive attitude from hell!"
This however, was just too
much. After six years living
with CIDP, struggling to
stay positive, and now this?
I thought "What kind
of sick cosmic humor is
going on here? Two neurological
problems in one lifetime
that cause paralysis, give
me a break!"
After a couple of months
of allowing myself to wallow
in depression, I literally
willed myself out of the
wheel chair. I walk fairly
slow and cannot do a lot
of things I did before but,
I am upright and bipedal
again. Sometimes people
stare and the less timid
will inquire as to what
is "wrong" with
me. I am much less self
conscious than I was a few
years ago. Sometimes I allow
myself to have an emotional
"meltdown" and
let off some steam to stay
sane.
So why am I bothering to
share all of this? Because
HIV robs a person of so
much in life such as career,
health, friends, home and
not to mention life itself.
I am angry, frustrated,
and sad. People in our community
dying in larger numbers
again and it makes me nuts
to hear of yet another person
being diagnosed with HIV.
It also makes me crazy in
the head that guys, especially
young ones, do not get it.
When your body contracts
HIV, you HAVE A DISEASE!
Whether it is visible or
not, the body is immediately
compromised. I have the
idea that we should do away
with the terms HIV+ and
AIDS. How about just saying
HIV disease? After all,
we do not say some one is
cancer + and then they have
cancer later. Having HIV
is a disease, and it SUCKS!
I am well aware that there
are many in the community
that are burned out on this
subject, I am one of them.
If we keep turning a blind
eye though, more people
will get continue to get
sick and die. We need to
find the strength in ourselves
to once more come out into
the community and get involved.
I also have the experience
of feeling like a living
ghost. All of my contemporaries
are dead. Having worked
in the HIV community since
1987, I have gotten to know
many people who have since
died. It’s an odd
feeling to have survived
so much and have the memory
of all those people who
have gone. I really do not
want to experience another
wave of people getting sick
and dying, but I cannot
help but feel it is coming.
Just this week, as I am
writing this article, another
friend showed up in the
obituaries in the paper.
He was a young, vibrant,
and talented young man.
I am tired of continually
having this heavy pain in
my heart.
There is one group in this
country that I have been
very impressed with their
prevention work. They are
in San Francisco and are
doing what I refer to as
"guerilla" prevention
ads. They are actually putting
up photos and stories of
men with HIV on billboards
and buses. Some people are
appalled by this, but I
think it is very brave and
I would like to see more
of this.
I think it is time for
Seattle to start some real
dialog about what to do
in our community. We need
some fresh ideas, reinvent
the wheel, and get more
reality based discussion
about how to curb the infection
rate. With the current administration
not increasing funding for
HIV prevention and treatment,
it is time to get back to
"the good old days"
of grass roots prevention
and support for people with
HIV.
So, I stand out in the
community. This is not by
choice, but a matter of
circumstances. Every day
is a challenge to keep my
head up. I am also well
aware the in my life there
is a bit of an "undertow"
of depression tainting my
daily experience. Using
the 12 step motto, I just
take life one day at a time.
Sometimes it is just one
hour or minute at a time.
I am incredibly lucky to
be blessed with a loving
partner, good friends, and
an amazingly intuitive friend,
Miss Jessie (my cat).
Mark Allen is the founder
of Thought Recipes -- coming
soon to an online site near
you!
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