Editor's Note: We had so many poems offered this month that I'm offering them in this one column. Hope you'll scroll through to catch them all -- heartbreaking honest and insights from Stephanie Marottek, Susan J. Erickson, Carrie Sines, Lanaia Lee, and Melanie.
She
Is Gone
She left us
in a flurry of rain
we didn't know she was gone
until it was too late.
The gentle memory
fills my heart
of feeling her rolling
under my ribs.
The exquisite agony
of little kicks
and pressure on the bladder
at 2 a.m.
Never again to hold her
for she left us
without a goodbye
without a cry.
Never to teach her how to
ride a bike
or take her to swim lessons.
All the things we'll never
do
because she is gone.
The
Complexity of my Existance
"Inspired by another Bereaved Mommy!"
To exist
in a world
that can not understand
that can not see
that does not want to.....
is complex.
On one side,
I am the grieving parent,
mourning the loss of my
future
missing the presence
of one who never got to
fully be.
On another side,
I am the strong woman,
leading the way
showing others how to make
it
and changing laws.
On another side,
I am the working girl,
doing the 9 to 5,
bringing home some money
to help put food on our
table,
hiding my face to those
who look too close.
And then I am the searcher,
looking for somewhere to
put my faith,
someone to renew my spirit
and something to fill this
hole
in my heart.
My existance is complex
for I must compartmentalize
different parts of me,
so that I can function
without falling apart.
The complexity of my existance
baffles even me.....
Not
Suppose To Be
for Angie, Christine and everyone at KotaPress
It is not supposed to be
this way.
Why can't I have her?
Why couldn't she stay?
My life wasn't supposed
to turn out this way!
When I was a little girl
I dreamed of all it would
be,
and never in my fairy tale
dreams
was losing her a part of
me!
I dreamed of a big family
with a husband so sweet,
2 boys, 2 girls a dog and
a cat,
a hampster and a canary,
tweet!
In my dreams we all are
healthy
no problems arise
and everyone gets along
and nothing dies.
But my reality is nothing
like my childhood dreams,
for nothing has turned out
the right way it seems.
It was not supposed to be
this way,
my baby was supposed to
live
and I was supposed to be
happy
and fill of love to give.
But it is not how I want
so I must now accept and
find a way
to deal with the pain and
the heartache
that fills my every waking
day.
About
the Author
Stephanie is a prolific
poet -- as well as poetry
pirate and gardening guru!
Against
After Ryan Shane lived five hours
None of it. I want none
of it. Spring,
giddy with greenness, markets
itself in a blitzkrieg
of ecstasy.
Magnolia, pink-petaled
mouths
stretched wide, shout saccharine
ballads
to the unscathed
sky.
Spring, the amnesiac, forgets
the winter
of too much. shrugs plummy
shoulders, oblivious to
a refugee
from a devastated country.
I do not, cannot, forget
the soft
down of his head. I cover
my eyes against the glare
of green, cover my ears
against the din
of spring’s velvet
hammer.
At night the killdeer scream
like avenging angels. Only
then
can I stomach spring.
About
the Author
Susan J. Erickson lives
in the City of Subdued Excitement,
Bellingham, WA. Her first
chapbook The Art of Departure
was recently published by
Egress Studio Press. She
has two living grandsons,
including the twin of Ryan
Shane born three months
premature. Her work has
appeared in Clackamas Literary
Review, Kota Press, Switched-on
Gutenberg, PoetryMagazine.com,
Raven Chronicles, The Lyric
and various anthologies.
I
Have A Wish
I have a wish for you my
friend
That you will never know
The pain of losing a beloved
child
And your dreams to watch
her grow
You cannot imagine what
it is like
To carry on after your child
dies
To sit and cry for hours
on end
Asking, "Why? Oh Lord,
oh why?"
I have a wish for you my
friend
That you will never know
The sadness that consumes
your life
And stays with you until
you're old
The daily emptiness of
your arms
As you long to hold your
child
Thinking back to the day
she died
Silently wishing you had
more time
I have a wish for you my
friend
That you will never know
The fear that she has been
forgotten
As if she wasn't so
The strength it take to
live each day
To carry on as once before
The sorrow to live your
life again
After your child has left
this world.
I have a wish for you my
friend
That you will never know...
Dedication
from the Author
In memory of our first daughter,
Ashley Marie Sines 10/29/97
Like
you never had a baby at
all...
You look so great
Like you never had a baby
at all
You're so much fun
Like you never had a baby
at all
I haven't talked to you
in days.
You're invited to a sprinkle
shower --
Like you never had a baby
at all
Why are you in bed? Clean
your house.
LIke you never had a baby
at all.
Will you have more children?
Aren't your boys the cutest?
LIke you never had a baby
at all.
It's so good to hear you
laugh.
Like you never had a baby
at all.
Do you want to go out sometime?
My arms and breasts are
empty.
LIke I never had a baby
at all.
My thoughts are dark and
twisted.
Like I never had a baby
at all.
I can't pretend one more
minute that I never had
a baby at all.
Editor's
Note
This poem is published in
Lily's memory. Our heart's
to you, Melanie!
Visired
by death
How does one explain this
pain?
How does one keep from going
insane?
How can you keep from playing
this awful game?
We all know the cursed name.
Several visits from the
grim reaper
Each time he makes my pain
grow deeper
But by the goodness of the
almighty keeper
I have learned how to handle
this awful creeper.
Six children I have lost
And that was such a big
cost
With my feelings all jumbled
and tossed
I learned to fight through
that thick, thick moss.
Today for this I am strong
So maybe their deaths weren't
so very wrong
Even though quite often
I long
To hear my children's song.
So what can I say?
Except there willcome a
joyous day
When my children and I can
play
In that field of dreams
beyond decay.
Author's
Dedication
Dedicated to Derek, Michael,
Fallon, Heather, Cindy,
David.
