by
Kathy Evans, NJ MISS Facilitator
Editor's
note: We are
publishing this article
because Kathy was kind
enough to share this with
us after a facilitators'
discussion about how to
handle situations where
people qualify grief --
you know, times when people
say things like, "At
least you had three months
with him alive" or
some other very hurtful
thing. Let me tell you
that anything that qualifies
grief -- almost any statement
that starts with "at
least.." -- stinks!
Grief is grief is grief,
folks. Love and grief
are not qualified by the
amount of time with have
with our kids.
I find myself writing this,
maybe because I hurt, maybe
because I feel the need
to educate others, maybe
because I just have to.
I have belonged to TCF
for about a year and half
now. I am just two years
bereaved. My son died when
I was full term with him.
In my search for help to
assist me through my own
grief I have tried to help
others understand what it
is that we who have lost
a baby - a child - at birth
feel. Sometimes it is very
difficult to explain because
he never lived outside my
womb. But because he was
vibrantly alive inside of
me for nine months, I grew
to know him as he developed.
Sometimes I think back
and try to remember the
happy memories of my time
with Sean. He loved fettuccine
alfredo, but it had to have
broccoli or shrimp in it.
I think about the kind of
music he liked. I think
about the kind of songs
that he liked me to sing
to him. How he liked me
to rub him to sleep. I also
think about how he hiccupped
so often - it sometimes
drove me nuts! Oh, how I
miss those days. But because
of those days, and through
this intense pain, I also
have joy. I have joy because
I had my son at all, because
I loved my son, because
I mothered him.
When I was first bereaved,
I looked at people who had
"time" with their
children and thought to
myself "Well, at least
you had them for (however
long it was)." I know
others who are grieving
look at me and think, "Well,
at least you didn't get
to know him." I know
now how wrong I was, and
also how wrong they are.
No matter what amount of
time you have with your
child - the pain we feel
is the same.
We should never have to
bury our children.
I have pain because he
died, because I had only
ten minutes with him outside
my womb, because I never
saw his eyes open, never
saw his smile, never heard
him make a sound. That silence
I heard in the delivery
room was deafening. I have
pain because he lay in a
morgue for days waiting
to be buried. I have the
pain of seeing my son in
his coffin, seeing that
coffin closed, having a
funeral, putting him in
the ground, saying goodbye.
Pain because I now must
visit him at a cemetery.
I grieve his loss terribly.
I feel that crater burned
into my heart, I feel the
emptiness that will never
be filled, I feel the loss
of my future, my life.
You see, I feel what you
feel. Our experiences may
be different, some may have
had their children for a
longer or shorter time then
I did, but our pain is all
the same. Losing a child
is a life-altering experience.
Things will never be the
same - I will never be the
same, and I don't want to!
In our facilitators' discussion,
Joanne Caccitore-Garard
was kind of enough to
also give an example of
how we might directly
address folks who try
to qualify grief. Thought
to share it with you all
here, too:
To Parent 1:
You know it is awful that
you don't have any of
those precious memories
with your child alive-
it must seem like you
went through so much to
only be cheated of the
gift of time. How difficult
that must be...
And then to Parent
2: And for you, how
hard to say goodbye to
a child whom you had for
three beautiful months
and adjust to that tremendous
loss...
And lastly to the
whole group: You
know, let's just take
a moment and think about
this-- it just is *never*
(emphasis) okay for a
child to die...and while
we are all different in
how we got here, we are
all experiencing a shared
sorrow of our child's
death. No matter what
age or cause, the experience
is tragic beyond our understanding.
By Kathy Evans in loving
memory of my son Sean, born
still November 8th, 1997
(1/15/00)
Kathy facilitates the NJ
chapter of the MISS Foundation.
Meetings are offered as
follows: New Jersey - Somers
Point, 2nd Wed of each month
7:30 PM, Grace Lutheran
Church (Rear Entrance),
Shore Rd and Dawes Ave,
Somers Point, NJ, 609-601-0563;
Facilitator Kathy Evans
with Co-Facilitator Terry
Holland. |